Rained.org

Yep, things just officially got worse. Much, much frickin worse and complicated. The moving out is not just a probability but a must. And that is just the easiest part.

If only I knew this would happen…

I have been having a very hard month. What I am going through right now is much worse than 2008 combined.

I was just trying to work and pay my debt but within just 3 days things had gotten worse and my debt is doubled. I could take that. I mean, at least I have a job to help pay for it bit by bit. But I am receiving big blows other than that. I am such a mess right now. Depressive mess. I need to move out of here soon for my own sanity but with how money is very tight right now it is impossible. Oh my God, such a catch 22. And I just feel so alone right now which makes things harder.

I am so lost.

I think I am getting a bit sense of clarity and more control of myself now. I am not obsessing about someone anymore like I used to. I was able to set myself some boundaries and so far I successfully detached myself from my stupid admiration. It was doomed from the start. Really, it was silly and I wasn’t particularly proud of it. I feel like I am now too old for games.

I am also in speaking terms, sort of, with the man I devoted my heart to. I guess I am finally accepting the fact that we were young and now we are just growing apart. I do not want to lose him though and I think this friendship is better for my well-being rather than trying to not kill myself whenever I have a breakdown. (By the way, my breakdowns are not only because of him. He was just an icing on the cake.) In time I hope I will get stronger and that this friendship won’t kill me in the end when I see him with someone else. I would be a big liar if I say that I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore. I mean, I spent years loving and hurting inside for this man. I am not stable enough to cut him off my life though because through it all he was my bestfriend, the only one whom I open myself to. I want him to be there in my life as we each grow more and live our separate paths.

I am rather growing bored of the repetitive tasks and the responsibility of mingling with a certain demographics on my job. I am never really a people person and the whole customer-oriented job and dealing with complaints are tiring me. Plus, I rarely use my analytical skills and I am getting dumb. Right now, I feel like I want something where I could work by myself and figure things out.
Don’t get me wrong though. I owe a lot to this job cause it helped me get through the darkest days of my life. There were a phase that I was very, very into it because that’s all I have to hold on to (and thanks to my workaholic tendency it paid off a little). It came at the right time, it was a lifesaver. I am also starting to like my coworkers now. Maybe after I paid a significant amount of my debts I will open myself to more options. (I just remembered that school break is now almost over for some so I think my work load would lighten a bit. Yay!)

I talked to a long time friend the other day. It’s always nice to reconnect and we made some plans to hang out.

I am actually looking forward for my birthday this year because I want to spend it with people I love and with those who have truly been there with me no matter what.

I admit that I chose to be distant for the past few years. I was jaded and I disliked the complexities of human interaction. It came to the point that I did not like making new friends and I always see something in them that would cause me to run away — religious hypocrite, too clingy, no backbone, too dependent on their parents, too stupid, too creepily happy, etc., etc. Yes, I was judgmental but I think it was some sort of self preservation.

Oi vei. Enough with the self psycho-analyzation. I probably just need some traveling to get out of my elements and shock some sense into me. ^_^

I stopped my weekly alcohol binge. The last one didn’t felt so good and alcohol isn’t just right for me unless in moderation.

Mmm, what other new things with me? I have a new CPU? Ha ha ha .

I am off to sleep in a few minutes. Check out GarageBand.com to discover some indie music.

Life has become very dear to me, and I am very glad that I love. My life and my love are one. “But you are faced with a ‘no, never never’” is your reply. My answer to that is, “Old boy, for the present I look upon that ‘no, never never’ as a block of ice which I press to my heart to thaw.”

written by Vincent to his brother, Theo, talking about his love

I think I just feel too lonely.

My dearest,
When two souls, which have sought each other for, however long in the throng, have finally found each other …a union, fiery and pure as they themselves are… begins on earth and continues forever in heaven.

This union is love, true love, … a religion, which deifies the loved one, whose life comes from devotion and passion, and for which the greatest sacrifices are the sweetest delights.

This is the love which you inspire in me… Your soul is made to love with the purity and passion of angels; but perhaps it can only love another angel, in which case I must tremble with apprehension.

- written by Victor Hugo (1821) to Adele Foucher